Our fine 2009 pg.6

I began to be stressed pass my limit, although I hated it, I began to seek council about the severe depression. Some say I deserve better and some tried to figure out a way to help me cope with the odd relationship with my married husband. I always wanted to figure out how and when did he gain so much power over me. He had my emotions controlled by his own personal remote. I really loved him. So much time was passing by and on some days it would look like things were getting better and other days it looked hopeless. He would come by to talk and just visit us, November 3rd 2009 he comes by, knowing I was mad at him, he stands behind me holding me, and ask me did I feel him. These feelings just rushed through my body, kinda like he transferd something into me. I was a fish that got caught on the hook! I loved that man so much, after one touch, whatever it was, I was no longer mad at him! November 10th 09 he came over he didn’t talk about much, it was all bull to me, he was too concerned with humping, I guess it was ok, to me sleeping with him just tied up my emotions. I told him I didn’t want to be committed to him, but he took it as if I said nothing. He is so funny sometimes, he will act as if doesn’t hear you if he doesn’t like what you are saying. I still wonder how and why I let things get so serious. Even to me, my life had become mysterious and I wasn’t sure of who I was. The year was pretty much wrapping up. One day I act as if I didn’t care and the next day I have to know his every move. Nov11th 2009, I am so embarrased about this date, he called me we were talking, but for some reason he sounded odd to me. So I asked him who was he with and where was he at. He fussed a little bit and asked me did I want to come and see. I got my kids and the keys, ran to him while he was at Mcdonalds with some kids, just to see if he was telling the truth to me. I said I didn’t want to be committed to him, but I surely chased him that day!
He bought the kids and I some food and he left to go take some kids
back home. I was so embarrassed, but I guess love can make you do embarrassing things! November 18th 09 I asked him to get me some sonic and he did, he bought some for the kids too. I still loved him, but didn’t want to continue to be his secret anymore, man I hated myself. I was wishing that I wasn’t such a fool in love. He doesn’t even treat me right! I felt useless all I knew how to do was cry!! I wished I could reclaim my life, nobody knew how bad the pain felt. Why didn’t he love me back, I knew he cared for me, but I wanted a better love, a love I deserved! Why did I even let this happen. My feelings flip flopped so much. I felt like I just couldn’t take it anymore. Nov.21st 2009 Is one of those days when that man really got to me. I was so mad at him. He called himself trying to hang another woman over my head. That did not sit too well with me, the thought alone I just couldn’t handle. He came over that night looking and smelling so good, he was drunk, but it worked
in his favor because he was good.. I hated myself for loving him so much,
just when I “thought” I was leaving him he started some bullcrap game. I
realized that some lady liked him and he had balls enough to tell me that he was going to call her, and I told him I didn’t want him to and that I will give him what he wants and needs. It was very sad, but true, I quickly gave in, I couldn’t allow another woman to touch him! I asked him how could he even let her in on what we built together. I didn’t understand out of everything we went through, why did he even know her number. He pissed me off, I started calling him that night around 8:45 he didn’t answer so every ten mins or so I would call him again, his ass finally calls me back around ten, saying “hellooo honey” I was mad as hell at him! He claim him and his friend went to Henry Hudson and drank. He hurried up and brought his butt over, he came in the door looking so nice. This very day I still remember what he wore that day! To be honest I don’t know if I believe that he was with his friend. He has not ever not picked up his cell phone for a whole hour, but owell I was no saint. I was hurt and very jealous and could not handle the game he was trying to play. He gamed me right back into his arms! Wow now how the heck did that happen? He made it up to me I wasn’t as angry anymore. The 23rd of November around 3pm he came to eat the meal I cooked for him. I cooked him mac& cheese veggies and a steak, he loved it! He kept wondering why did it take me almost three years to cook for him. I don’t know why, I guess I wanted to do something nice, something new to bring us closer as partners and friends. I loved him, but I wish we had
more time together. I did enjoy everything and every moment that we shared. I called him later that night, right before midnight he seemed kinda tired and worked up, he said he had been talking to ” her ” cousin since 9:30, about the whole dramma at hand. He said he let her know about some decision he made and he let her know that he does have a daughter with me and about some texts I sent ” her “. He is let it be known why I sent them, but anyway I guess I began to ask too many questions so he got irritated and tried to fuss. We said goodnight and we would talk tomorrow! Nov.25 th2009
I saw him that night, it was nice all the kissing and other stuff, it was so sweet.
We had a really nice time, and that night the damn protection came
off. That was around the time when I thought he was tripping out, when he held our baby girl, he begin to get the feeling of wanting more kids, but he also knew that I didn’t want anymore. That wraps up that year. Christmas was nice, he gave me money for the kids, we didn’t have any fight, so all was well, but you and I both know that it didn’t last long. See you in the next chapter!

1 comment September 19, 2010