Married. Me, He and She!

Our fine 2009 pg.6

secretlysubmissive — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 00:00:19 +0000

I began to be stressed pass my limit, although I hated it, I began to seek council about the severe depression. Some say I deserve better and some tried to figure out a way to help me cope with the odd relationship with my married husband. I always wanted to figure out how and when did he gain so much power over me. He had my emotions controlled by his own personal remote. I really loved him. So much time was passing by and on some days it would look like things were getting better and other days it looked hopeless. He would come by to talk and just visit us, November 3rd 2009 he comes by, knowing I was mad at him, he stands behind me holding me, and ask me did I feel him. These feelings just rushed through my body, kinda like he transferd something into me. I was a fish that got caught on the hook! I loved that man so much, after one touch, whatever it was, I was no longer mad at him! November 10th 09 he came over he didn’t talk about much, it was all bull to me, he was too concerned with humping, I guess it was ok, to me sleeping with him just tied up my emotions. I told him I didn’t want to be committed to him, but he took it as if I said nothing. He is so funny sometimes, he will act as if doesn’t hear you if he doesn’t like what you are saying. I still wonder how and why I let things get so serious. Even to me, my life had become mysterious and I wasn’t sure of who I was. The year was pretty much wrapping up. One day I act as if I didn’t care and the next day I have to know his every move. Nov11th 2009, I am so embarrased about this date, he called me we were talking, but for some reason he sounded odd to me. So I asked him who was he with and where was he at. He fussed a little bit and asked me did I want to come and see. I got my kids and the keys, ran to him while he was at Mcdonalds with some kids, just to see if he was telling the truth to me. I said I didn’t want to be committed to him, but I surely chased him that day!
He bought the kids and I some food and he left to go take some kids
back home. I was so embarrassed, but I guess love can make you do embarrassing things! November 18th 09 I asked him to get me some sonic and he did, he bought some for the kids too. I still loved him, but didn’t want to continue to be his secret anymore, man I hated myself. I was wishing that I wasn’t such a fool in love. He doesn’t even treat me right! I felt useless all I knew how to do was cry!! I wished I could reclaim my life, nobody knew how bad the pain felt. Why didn’t he love me back, I knew he cared for me, but I wanted a better love, a love I deserved! Why did I even let this happen. My feelings flip flopped so much. I felt like I just couldn’t take it anymore. Nov.21st 2009 Is one of those days when that man really got to me. I was so mad at him. He called himself trying to hang another woman over my head. That did not sit too well with me, the thought alone I just couldn’t handle. He came over that night looking and smelling so good, he was drunk, but it worked
in his favor because he was good.. I hated myself for loving him so much,
just when I “thought” I was leaving him he started some bullcrap game. I
realized that some lady liked him and he had balls enough to tell me that he was going to call her, and I told him I didn’t want him to and that I will give him what he wants and needs. It was very sad, but true, I quickly gave in, I couldn’t allow another woman to touch him! I asked him how could he even let her in on what we built together. I didn’t understand out of everything we went through, why did he even know her number. He pissed me off, I started calling him that night around 8:45 he didn’t answer so every ten mins or so I would call him again, his ass finally calls me back around ten, saying “hellooo honey” I was mad as hell at him! He claim him and his friend went to Henry Hudson and drank. He hurried up and brought his butt over, he came in the door looking so nice. This very day I still remember what he wore that day! To be honest I don’t know if I believe that he was with his friend. He has not ever not picked up his cell phone for a whole hour, but owell I was no saint. I was hurt and very jealous and could not handle the game he was trying to play. He gamed me right back into his arms! Wow now how the heck did that happen? He made it up to me I wasn’t as angry anymore. The 23rd of November around 3pm he came to eat the meal I cooked for him. I cooked him mac& cheese veggies and a steak, he loved it! He kept wondering why did it take me almost three years to cook for him. I don’t know why, I guess I wanted to do something nice, something new to bring us closer as partners and friends. I loved him, but I wish we had
more time together. I did enjoy everything and every moment that we shared. I called him later that night, right before midnight he seemed kinda tired and worked up, he said he had been talking to ” her ” cousin since 9:30, about the whole dramma at hand. He said he let her know about some decision he made and he let her know that he does have a daughter with me and about some texts I sent ” her “. He is let it be known why I sent them, but anyway I guess I began to ask too many questions so he got irritated and tried to fuss. We said goodnight and we would talk tomorrow! Nov.25 th2009
I saw him that night, it was nice all the kissing and other stuff, it was so sweet.
We had a really nice time, and that night the damn protection came
off. That was around the time when I thought he was tripping out, when he held our baby girl, he begin to get the feeling of wanting more kids, but he also knew that I didn’t want anymore. That wraps up that year. Christmas was nice, he gave me money for the kids, we didn’t have any fight, so all was well, but you and I both know that it didn’t last long. See you in the next chapter!

Pg. 5 Ending 2008

secretlysubmissive — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 03:39:48 +0000

Well well well, we argured and made up so much, it didn’t make any sense12-12-08, He and I argued and he said some pretty mean things. I was very hurt and so very angry. He told me not to ever call him again, I believe we fought because he told me to “get rid of the damn thing” reffering to our baby. Wait a minute what baby, did she just say that? Yes indeed I did, before we could get out of 2008, I was pregnant again! He made me mad when he said that, so I texted his phone and told him if he wants to kill his own blood then to kill the one he has at home living with him, at that time he had to pay for text messages so I texted him over forty times, he was so mean, I cried like always. He came by a few days later bringing me something I needed, upon leaving I walk him outside and we began to talk about the new pregnancy issue. He told me to think about it, he can be so silly at times. He said he didn’t even think it was true and that he wanted to come and test it to see of it’s true, as in sleep with me as if there was a way to tell a woman is pregnant by sleeping with her. He wanted to be with me so bad, but I reminded him of the aweful things he had stated a week before and I told him no! By the end of the month we were making love again. He was very scared of having another baby and said that things needed to get better. He hated the fact that I was kind of rebellious at times, that made him very angry and if he knew he could not win, he would just give in and try to ease the situation the best way he knew how. Around the beginning of January he offers me 5,000$ to have an abortion. Yes it’s true indeed, he was serious and desperate to keep the fire under control, but I told him to take the 5,000 and shove it. We continued to spend time together we went out to eat, to the casino and that man spent hundreds of money at that place, it got so bad at one point I began to feel sorry for him. I realized he had a problem and due to guilt I could no longer watch him gamble. He could afford it, but the addiction got way to crazy, eventually and thankfully he stopped. 1-13-09 we had such a beautiful time together, after leaving he called me to tell me he misses me and how nice it was, I’d confess all my love to him, and the ride is smoothe through out the month. As usual the pattern continues, I’m upset again because valentines day rolls around and he didn’t get me anything. I was so hurt, he assumed it wasn’t a big deal, he promised to get me something, but I told him it was too late and to forget it. Close to a week later 2/20/09 he comes over that morning, he looks at the ultra sound photos and says “wow look at the face, so you really pregnant, you don’t look like it” I just looked at him he was so in awe, but at the same time trying to hide it. He asked me how do I feel about it and I said ” I don’t know” and he says “that’s too bad you don’t know”, then I asked him how does he feel about it and of course he says ” I don’t know” and I said ” that’s too bad”. It was kind of funny, I guess we both didn’t know how to feel about it. Our relationship began to become immune to a unstable cycle. He controlled my emotions, I was so depressed and stressed out, going on four months pregnant I couldn’t cope to well. I dropped out of school, and that hurt more than anything, I began not to recognize myself, our love had become dangerous. He could make me the happiest and also the saddest woman in the world and no one understood the severity of it all. I began to think he didn’t love me. I left school and now feeling hopeless, around the end of March he cancelled one of our dates because “she” was off, so I ignored his phone calls for a week. I began to realize that having someone to talk to might not be a bad idea, but I really hated the thought of therapy. April rolls around I got sadder and did alot of crying at times. He got more controlling. He always wanted to act like he didn’t understand how I felt, he loved to say that I was antisocial. He took a couple of phsycology classes and began to assume he knew it all. I ask him to tell me if I am so crazy, why does he continue to stay with me, he had no answer. In the meantime he and I had been talking and fussing the same stuff. By now June comes up on us, on a Tuesday about the 23rd I gave him his gift we are chatting, he tries to be all over me. He decides to inform me that “she” will be going out of town in a few weeks and that she is trying to get him to move away from me. He said he wouldn’t let a devil woman run his life, it was very funny all of a sudden “she” is a devil woman because she is headed out of town and out of his hair. I just laughed at him, I told him he wasn’t getting anything from me so don’t even try it, he just looked at me and smiled saying “ok”. He knew how much I loved him and that I was truly going to do whatever he ask. I’m getting bigger and bigger, about ready to have our daughter. The fall rolls around and I have the baby and that was a labor to remember. I had her all natural, not even a asprin, it hurt like hell. All in all it was a painful, but blessed labor. Stay tuned to see what happen next!

Summary of 2008 pg.4

secretlysubmissive — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 01:45:04 +0000

Things are good, I committed my body, soul, mind, heart and everything to him, he was good to me in every way. People in our community knew about us, and boy they love to gossip! He took me around his friends, elders and others reffered to me as his wife, boy I loved that. The relationship began to seem so normal to me, although it was crazy, I excepted it! Why? I don’t know, maybe because I loved him too much to let go! He use to tell me that, he will never leave me, he wants to be with me forever, one day he says ” don’t you know you are the Jr. wife, and she is the Sr. wife, she was there first, and u should respect her” he then began to make me try understand that it’s ok to be his second wife because his father did it and that he comes from a polygamist background and the women did not fight! He use to tell me that he was the best thing that has ever happen to me and I won’t ever find a man like him. I began to believe it, sadly it’s true, everytime I needed something, no matter what it is, I go to him to get it. He ask me, well more like told me to be submissive to him. Somehow I wasn’t liking the sound of it, but at times I found myself doing just that. He was so dramatic at times, once I told him to shut up and he acted like he was having a heart attack, it was so funny! He always tried to tell me to respect him, submitt, damn it was like he wanted to control me. He thought he can demand any and everything from me, but didn’t want me to ask him something as simple as “who’s calling you”. I became very dependant on him he was the head of my house even though he didn’t live there. I got more attatched because he loved me back, knowing that he loved me caused me to feel so good. I knew what we had was real. We created a soul joining and each time we were together, the bond became stronger! I could feel it in his body and see it in his eyes. At times I drove his ass crazy! I played jealousy games at times, if he find out I just said hi to a guy that he knows, he would go and make sure the guy knows that I’m his and do his best to make the guy stay away, even if he had to use a messenger! The parties really got to him, I would make sure I had a new dress and looked beautiful each time. Due to the Sr. wife being there he had to sit and watch guys go wild for his woman, he would always make up some reason why I should stay home. He really wanted me to stay home after “she” and I kept arguing at the parties. I couldn’t stand her old ass, I would be sitting there minding my own business and she would walk pass me and make a sound, then look back at me to frown her face! She would try so hard to make it look like they were so happy. She would intentionally force him to dance and while his back is turned she would make jestures with her mouth. She look so stupid everyone knew that her husband has another wife, but she continued to act silly, pointing at me pulling out her chair in a dramatic way then look at me and sit down close to him! So we are both on the dance floor she says slut with her mouth, I said well he seems to love sluts, I’m not too much of a slut ask him where he was lastnight! She turns to him wanting to know, he is just sitting there once again just trying to make us be quiet. That old hag got on my nervs, she wasn’t smart enough to realize that she was embarrasing the hell out of us, including herself! That same event I showed off my ring flashing it in her face, she got so mad, she sits up in her chair turns toward him in anger saying “oh so you bought her a ring”. I eventually left before things got worse. He calls the next day wanting to know what happen she lies and tell him I started it, he was fussing and upset saying ” why can’t you two stop acting like little kids, why can’t you just ignore her, don’t you know you guys are just sitting there entertaining all those nosey people, ignore her,you sit there let her make you mad and start telling all our business. Don’t you know that’s what she want you to do, I don’t like people in my business” so he fussing at me I’m yelling at him. He started to pretend he had her under controll and that she won’t ever say a word again so I say ok cool, I won’t either. He got on my nerves because he listen to her lying ass trying to play innocent, but sooner or later she and I learned to ignore each other at the parties! He took me on a emotional roller coaster during 2008 and it only got worse. We could not ever seem to let go, I loved him and he loved me. I did some things and he wasn’t perfect, but we always came back to each other! He said I must of whipped him, and he didn’t understand why he was so crazy about me. I loved when we were together, men have a way of making a simple touch so amazing. The end of the year is near and he and I are eating at Coaches, 11-3-08, we are sitting there talking, he is basically trying to make me change and be good he calls it. So he looks at me and asks me ” can you forgive me for anything that I may do” my answer was no! He didn’t like that at all, he tells me “she” loves him and can forgive him for anything. I looked at him and wanted to slap his ass out of his seat. He made me think he did something, and he probably did, but I never found out. November 18th he and I made sweet love, by the 21st I was praying to God and ready to leave town! It’s December and 2009 is on it’s way! Not too much more went on in 2008, or did it? Stay tuned for my next post!

The pregnancy pg. 3

secretlysubmissive — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 02:53:15 +0000

Okay were pregnant things are sweet for the moment he is so happy and can’t hide it. He tells me I’m his Jr. wife, he provides protects and does everything a husband is suppose to. It wasn’t all good, we broke up about a thousand times and fell back in love within a few days, sometimes a matter of minutes. In case you are wondering does “she” know yet, well I was at a party before the pregnancy and he decided to spray me, its where one showers you with money, “she” was watching so it made her ask him was I his girlfriend. From then on “she” began to play detective. We have had phone arguments at times. “She” called me once around the end of the year in 2007 threatening to kill me, in hopes of scaring me away, but by then I was in love with him, not to mention five months pregnant, so really didn’t have the strenghth to argue with her. The fatter I got the futher he got and that just killed me. I was very depressed some days and some days happy. My emotions went on how I was treated by him. I began telling my Dr. The situation and all that I was going through. She was the sweetest, most loving Dr. I ever had. She was so worried about me, I didn’t blame her, at times that man took me through hell! She wanted me to start takeing things, but I refused. Although she knew about my married husband, she still thought my hormones played a role, maybe so, but I knew she didn’t fully understand being pregnant and committed to a married man. During some point in the pregnancy he makes me mad, and I called the Sr. wife and let her know that he and I were having a baby that he begged me for! Oh boy he was pissed, it didn’t last long he came running back to my door, demanding that I be good! Maybe I was wrong for this, but I remember calling her and telling her that it wasn’t his baby, I can still hear her now “you made my day, so you will leave him alone and fine the real baby’s daddy”? “She” didn’t know that he is the only man that I have been with. He tried to let her know that I was only making a fool out of her, but she had her heart set on thinking it wasn’t his baby, damn I love DNA!!!!!! Ok yes I was wrong, but it was funny at the time. I kept being bad so eventually I lost my allowance. So I have our son, 2/2008 he is a Jr. I remember him coming to see us, he was all over me hugging me saying that it felt good just to hold me, wow I remember like it was yesterday. April 8th 2008 he calls me and ask me if I like white or yellow gold. By April 12th I was calling her again letting her know he had just left my house and what color underwear he had on. She seemed not to like that and begin to tell me that I seduced him, and I was pregnant before I met him! Wow that would of been one long, scarey pregnancy, clearly she was in denial. He was pissed, but as usual he was back at my door step by April 17th. Anyway through the year of 2008 we got closer, we fought, but made it and got stronger. April 30th he put a ring on my finger, I was such a spoiled bratt, I complained about it being too small, I really hurt his feelings and I felt so bad! He bought me a wedding ring, that made me feel important, I felt like I had a symbol of our covenant and that made me love him even more. I felt it in his soul that he loved me and that alone completed me! Yet the dramma doesn’t stop, there was a wedding reception he invited me to in July 08, he loved showing off the pretty, young wife. “She” decides to show out that night, catching him talking to me in the hallway “she” decides to send her anger my way by calling me out of my name. I guess she thought we were on the telephone and I was going to sit there and take it! She loved to call me a slut, so I go to her table and go smoothe off. I called her every bitc* in the book, I let her know that she was just mad that I gave him a son and she can’t, I told her when the DNA test comes back she will be crying. I bet you guys are wondering what he was doing, lol he just sat there begging us to stop. That was a Saturday he called me Sunday asking what happen and by Monday he’s in my room pumping and sweating telling me how much he loves me. By 9-29-08 I was crying my heart out. I was so hurt, he really let me down. I needed something from him, he told me he would do it, but didn’t, it angers me now thinking of it, but as you know we worked things out. We had a few more fights before the year was up, but wait until you hear what happened next!

That next moring pg.2

secretlysubmissive — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 23:55:42 +0000

The next morning, my wondering mind gave him a call, we began to have small talk. At that time I had been dating someone else for about six months, but he lived two hours away. I stayed strong and denied him for a few months, and letting him know that I don’t have time for a married man or any dramma, but in the process of denying him, I was still going out to lunch with him and talking to him all the time. We talked three times or more each day. He would bring me money and food to my job he would drop everything to see me. One night I decided to give into his request, but he didn’t take me serious, so he never showed. It was 2-8-07 Thursday night the first time I gave in and we got romantic!!!! I was so ashamed, I knew at that moment my relationship with God had been ruiend!! I went to work the next day so distrought my friend knew something was wrong when she asked me I just began to cry! So in order to not feel like a whore or one night stand I allowed it to continue and from then on he was stuck to me like glue. Around April 07 I stop working, and that provided so much time for him and I. I mean seriously, I would wake up and be ready and waiting because I knew he would come pick me up by 11:00am. Things moved so fast, we got too serious. He wanted me to commit to him and I wanted to be with only him. We began to grow on each other. Love had built some very high wall around us. I don’t know how a baby came into the topic, but he began to talk about it by March. Sometimes I read my diary and see where I was pleading with myself to leave him alone, telling myself I am worth more and that he is a devil just trying to use me, I prayed over and over not even realizing I was already pulled in. “She” and I had no contact with each other at that time so he and I were living the life! I got to a point where I found myself wanting a baby! He and I actually began planning to have a child, but the thing, the crazy little thing with him is that he actually thought I would hide the pregnancy. He only had one daughter at the time and was dying for more kids, but truly assumed no one would know about the baby. I let him know up front that he must be out his damn mind and that I wasn’t going to hide anything, he can do what he wants, but I wasn’t feeling it. I guess he didn’t mind because we continued to have a baby. I was so gone in the head I actually found myself sad because I wasn’t getting pregnant fast enough. I thought I couldn’t have kids. It had been a while, my son was six and my daughter was five, yea right by June I was pregnant with his son!

Chp. 1 How we met.

secretlysubmissive — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 21:03:41 +0000

Well, It was the New Years Eve night I was 25yrs old. At that time he was 52. A friend and I went to a party 12/31/06. I knew of him due to our community and we have greeted each other a couple of times at other events, but nothing more, he paid me no mind! I have always thought that he was a very nice looking guy, he has nice teeth and a smile to die for. That night he happen to be there without “her” and I happen to be 30pds lighter. He noticed me watching him and I noticed him watching me ( I remember him saying he just couldn’t pass up my tall legs and that I was on fire that night ). I was dancing with a guy I knew, and here he comes up to us interrupting the dance and tells my friend that I am his woman and to stay away, I guess he was trying to scare him away, it was really funny, but I loved hearing him say it, that’s when things begin to heat up. We continued to talk to each other every chance we got. I was so excited to have his attention, I wanted to take advantage of being able to flirt with him, and nothing more. It felt good to be smaller and it felt good to have such a nice looking older man after me the whole night. I honestly didn’t think it would go pass having a little fun for that moment, but I saw him in a corner and I got very close and intamatly kissed in his ear whispering to him how good he looked. He told me that he wish he could go with me, but he has his daughter so he can’t get away. We met outside and he gave me his number, insisting that I call him that next morning. My dear friend, she told me to throw away the number, but I refused!! At that very moment, is when my life took a change, I was transformed as a person and became whatever he wanted me to be, a polygamist, mistress, Jr. wife and more. This is my story!!! I will continue my story as often as I can, pls enjoy!